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Journal: Yuletide Musings

Journal: Yuletide Musings | Ses Reveries

Another year, another Christmas I am just not feeling at all...

But while my festive spirit may be well beyond resurrecting (oops, wrong holiday), I'm actually a little hopeful about the New Year for I have decided to stop wallowing and start treating this gap year (...yeah, did I mention I'm not in uni anymore? It was a shock to me too as it certainly was not by choice but it is what it is) like the fresh start it is.

I have had my fair share of fresh starts on this blog, but the content on here isn't necessarily what I'm talking about. Like others who have found themselves on a gap year, I'm eager to experiment and document and create, et cetera, et cetera. But in all honesty, the anxiety is was real. I'm not going to bore you with long anecdotes detailing how much effort I've put into keeping my "Hannah Montana" separate from my "Miley Stewart" because now that I find myself working a 9-to-5 with people who are fairly aware of my non-technical pursuits as well, the need to juggle my many hats and manage what's shared on social media, what goes on the blog and what will never see the light of day because people who think they know me may see it and "talk" or whatever has become somewhat obsolete, allowing me to ponder my rather irrational fear of sharing anything non-trivial about me and mine with said people I know IRL; the kids I grew up with, the peeps I went to boarding school with, the people I had lectures with - pretty much everyone who doesn't share my DNA (and from about a month ago, my best friend D) - the same people who probably only make up about 35% of my follower-ship.

It sounds slightly messed up but I much preferred strangers observing my random outbursts on the internet than people from the real-world questioning my sanity or credibility for simultaneously sourcing images for my very-fashion-focused Tumblr while I'm working in the electronics lab or for editing very-staged photos between embedded systems labs and computer vision lectures. It's tiring living life like Instagram where people only know exactly what you let them know. It's important, of course, to keep things close to the vest but not to the point where you literally cannot be yourself for fear that they might judge you (case study for my narcissism because I doubt anyone cares that much about my life) or think you're bipolar (I'm not, I'm just my mother's daughter) or that you haven't figured your life out yet (I haven't but you know what, that's OK). People not being able to deal with one being shamelessly and unapologetically themselves sounds more like a 'them' problem and I for one, should know better by now.

Enter 2016, stage left.

The last few weeks have been an experiment of sorts most notably with my Instagram which has life again, albeit one that isn't much loved haha. Working on these editorials has given me a much clearer idea of the kind of content I want to be working on - and it's not necessarily what I've been posting on there recently as I've barely had the energy to shoot anything between work and curling up into a ball on weekends pondering the current state of my life, but I needed guinea pigs to get into the swing of things and a bunch of latergrams from as far back as two years ago were good enough for me. So far, all the regular posting with the occasional link to a blog post has done is encourage people I haven't seen or spoken to in years to reach out which was nice, and the world hasn't imploded.

So I guess it's all systems go on not giving a rat's ass who sees what I work on in my free time or what they think about it. And what better way to embrace the shamelessness than on the cusp of a New Year?

It wouldn't be me if I didn't announce superficial life choices on here first, and of course the link to this post will be easier to send to anyone who questions the "change", but I would also like to mention that I do not plan on making or sharing selfie videos or the like so my apologies if you were hoping to see me and my resting bitch face and non-existent cleavage vibing to Bryson Tiller; I'm very much invested in the fashion/music/art aesthetic I mess around with here (although there's nothing wrong with selfie videos if that's what you're into).

However, there may still be more of me on my 'gram for instance as I'm taking a step back from organising proper shoots with models to focus on experimenting and improving "my craft" without any of the pressure, and I may also start wearing less* and going out more** so if you read my blog and follow me on social media: don't freak out, basically. I'm not stunting for anyone. I'm not going "mainstream." I am that self-obsessed actually but a) you should already be aware of this and b) that's not really what I'm aiming for. And if you don't follow me, you probably should but it's cool, man, do you.

In the spirit of my newfound real-world shamelessness, I thought I'd send some Christmassy vibes your way with photos from an unfinished story I scrapped a little while ago, along with the "teaser" video to the film I also never got around to wrapping up because it was way too much work filming myself for something I wasn't sure I'd even have the balls to post at the time but I never will because Christmas is already over as far as I'm concerned.

But there's always next year...

... unless one of us dies first**, that is.

Merry Christmas, bitchachos!

Journal: Yuletide Musings | Ses Reveries
Journal: Yuletide Musings | Ses Reveries
Journal: Yuletide Musings | Ses Reveries
Journal: Yuletide Musings | Ses Reveries

photography and videography by me

*As in, wearing less than my usual cardigan-hoodie-coat combo with tights under leggings under joggers and more like an actual human being with some work experience in the fashion industry, not posing in full-length mirrors to show off my granny panties; that is not something anyone wants to see

**Well, going out more again because while my hibernation mode has been fully activated for the past few months save for uni and now work, this summer was actually pretty lit for me

***I can literally feel the resounding "God forbid" from all my Nigerian readers.

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